Today.. Of all days...

Today of all days, I decided not to dive into my creative side, and yet write an actual journal entry.

It was a rather painful day, One I hate living through but would never wish it on anyone else.

Ive decided the best way to explain it would be to go into detail, every... inch.

Just.. imagine....

Your toes are numb, like they are sleep. They do not tingle, they do not hurt, they are just numb. It moves up to your ankles, your calves.. The numbness turning to a tingle, a pain. up to your hips, your back.

Every step is painful, shooting a sudden shock through your spine with every step. Your arms are weak, picking up a simple thing is difficult. You have to handle everything with care, fear that you may drop it. Your head hurts, but not a headache, a more settle pain.. non stop. Your arms, feel as though you have been working out for days non stop.

No one could understand what it is like, unless you live through it.

Needing to hold on to the wall to walk, watching every step, afraid your going to fall. Afraid you wont feel the ground beneath you.

Its so hard, to take a breath and not feel as though your chest is going to cave in, to walk down the hall and feel your heart pounding so hard, as though its going to just break out of your chest.

I know one day I wont be able to take a step, to hold a hand, to lift a camera.

My life would end...... I would be a puppet in the arms of another.

Good days.. and Bad days.. today is the bad.

But I smile... for what else can I do?

Feeling sorry for myself, will do nothing.. you feeling sorry for me.. will do nothing...

I smile,..... for I know that nothing can be done, and tomorrow is a new day.

This.. is my life.. and today of all days.. was a bad day.

Monday....

I did not post one of my poems today, instead I spent the day cleaning.
I did however contenue on my book, the story of my life.
The words flow through my fingertips and out into the keys... creating what I would call... a work of shit!
Nothing is coming out the way it needs to and I am going to have to redo the whole thing I know.

So.. here I am.. creating my blog for the day.

Today was a delightful day, I managed to clean.. well.. I moved the computer into a different room.. now I have to clean my mess.. which I will do tomorrow. (fun)
So this is going to be a boring entry dear diary.. bit.. life is not always peaches and cream.

Nighty Night!

through the looking glass.

When you gaze into the looking glass..

what will you see?

a rose as wonderful.. as you or as me?

If you gazed.. into my mirror..

what will you see?

a girl as lost, as broken as can be.

Sudden Delight

It is the simple things in life..
The cool breeze coming through the window in the early morning.
the sound of the waves crashing against the white sand.
the night sky as the sun sets..

the sweet taste of a fresh strawberry.

The Work is Never Done...

I can sit.. pondering the work that needs to be done, going over the work that has been done.. and still I sigh..

It will never end.

My fingers working, like little bee's...

My hands sore.. my mind swimming..

And still i sigh...

it will never end.

When the night falls, and I turn off the light, I smile at the work I have done...

Then I sigh.... it will never end...

Tomorrow is a new day!

thoughtful dreams...

The overcast sky, couds slowly drifting before the bright summer sky..

The grass green, leaves dark.

I drift off into a daydream...

random thoughts, pure and innocent.

Another Work Day

I am raiding the closet, looking for the perfect outfits.
Getting ready to get back to work.. after the surgery I refused to have pictures taken.
But now... Now I am back!
Going to be shooting alot, different outfits, different colors. Everything is going to be great.. and I cant wait.
It is nice to be back in the swing of things.. and I cant wait til these pictures are posted!!!

I may not be the next top model.. (hell the gods know that is not me) but I make me come out in the pictures I am in.
So.. Im off...... to be the girly girl I am not :-)

Through eyes of darkness

In an image of no color, you can still see the color of emotion.

parting lips of crimson.

The purest scent of jasmine, the softest touch of silk.

The endless waves of life flowing through the black and white. reaching out... screaming.... to be seen.

Untouched and pure.

What is.. isnt really...

What you preceive as reality.. isnt reality at all.
It is just an act, to keep you where you are.
dancing around the truth like fireflies dance around the fire.

A simple kind of man.......

momma told me.. when I was young..

sit beside me.... my only son....

and listen closely... to what I say....

and if you do this it will help you some sunny day...

take your time.. dont live to fast..

troubles will come.. and they will pass

your find a woman.. and youll find love..

and dont forget that is a someone up above..

and be a simple kind of man...

be something you love and understand..

baby be a simple kind of man...

will you wont you do this..f or me son.. if you can..

get your lust.. from a rich mans gold..

all that you need now. is in your soul..

and you can do this.. if you try

all that I want from you my son.. is to be satisfied..

and be a simple.. kind of man...

be something... you love and understand..

oh dont you worry... youll find yourself.

follow your heart.. and nothing else..

and you can do this.. if you try...

all that I want from you my son.. is to be satisfied..

be a simple.. kind of man...

Darkest Times...

During the Darkest times...

the nights grow longer

the reality becomes bleak with raipd thoughts.

Unaware of the life that could be.

During the Darkest times...

nightmares become real

Endless Dreams...

The Endless Dreams that fade away as the light shines through the tiny crack in the curtain.

Spinning your head as you wake, opening your eyes to become familier with the reality.

Waiting and Wondering how the dream would end, you pull the covers over your head to try to drift back off. unable to..

You sigh..... waiting.. wondering... only to begin your day with a smile.. knowing tonight.. you will go back to your Endless Dream.

amazing things happen to those who wait?

if this was in fact true.. then I am waiting for it happen to me..
will it ever?
the doubts that run through my head.. painful wishes...
I dream of the day when all my wishes will comes true.. think that one day.. all will be the way it should.
sitting back I wonder.. will it.. and if it will.. when?

I prepare myself for the time to dream of this happiness..
to drift off into an endless world where everything.. everything.. is the way it should.

Friday's the day.. the end of it all

When Friday hits, everyone is always so happy. they live for this day.. thelast day of work.. the beginning of the weekend so they can party.
For me.. its just another day. A day to dress. A day to rest. A day to work.
I wake up as I always do.. wondering what will go on throughout.
Never looking back on the week that has passed, but looking forward to the week to come.

I never sit and wonder what could have been.. but rather what could be.

take a deep breath...

Close your eyes. breath in.. let your worries fall away. fade into the myst of oblivion.
Where is this myst you shall ask.. hidden in the depths of darkness that you can not see.
I am nothing more then a mere angel, hidden in this world to torture the simple souls.
forbidden to portray the essence of reality.
a dream state inwhich we alll ive in shatters beneath your feet as yours eyes open and you awake.
for today is just another day, lost in the clouds of dreams.

Another Day..

Waking up when the sky is overcast just puts me in a good mood....
Its the sun shining down that tortures me, the brightness... burning down to my inner core.
Today will be a better day, as it is always better then it was the day before.
The slow sensation returning to my life.. where it left off.
what will become of me today.. I may ask.. but instead I sit and wait.. beginning my day of work.

714

when I was young the one thing that I would always remember was the car plates to a black chevy. trg714 I always knew that this would come into play in my life but I never knew how.
til now.
the day I will never forget, like a birthday of a child, like the day of your wedding. 714 rings out in my head... screaming at me.. reminding me..
its a day I dont want to remember but its a day I will never forget. 714 the numbers that will never change. the day that will haunt me.. the memory of my youth.. all different.. all the same.. common by just a number. 714

sleepless days

it is yet still early and I am pondering the thought of laying down. Though I just brought myself the energy to actually come in here... the thought os laying in bed and actually being able to rest sounds more tempting then anything else.
it is hard to recover when you have to do everything.. it is harder to keep your mind on one thing.
today, regardless of how tired I was I did manage to get eveything done, cept now I am so worn out It is hard to keep my mind straight.
to sleep it is.. yet I know I will not sleep at all..

its a monday...

Mondays have always been the busiest day, work til the break of day.
the phone ringing off the hook, the computer buzzing.
It never fails, it never gets done.
Everything..
I take a deep breath, and begin..

the end...

when you wake up, you do not know how the day will end.
throughout, the sun shines bright, the phone rings off hte hook.
And yet you are still there.. pondering how it will all end.
the flash of lighting, the sound of thunder.. shakin the world around you.
And yet, still.. the same feeling.. how will it all come to an end.
...
to lay in bed with your loved one..
to sit and stare into the darkness...
to ponder upon tomorrows akwakening....
...
it all comes to an end.. to begin again.

today.. it is... today

Today it is like most other sundays, sitting around.. doing nothing but really cleaning.
Getting prepared to cook.. clean.. enjoy the stormy weather..
the life of me.. which never ends..

I am but me, through my eyes.. but noone sees that of who I am.